If You Ask Me, Cats Suck! » Shoutwire.com

Do you hate cats more than I? No you do not.

Cats SUCK!

Way back in the olden days, My wife and I had a cat that was part siamese. A true little bastard, we named him Shitty kitty. Well, Shitty Kitty had a psychotic hatred of buttons. In particular, it would attack the buttons on this ugly vinyl-upholstered headboard in this little apartment we were in. One by one, the buttons would be brutally attacked and ripped right out of the headboard. To see this was actually shocking. The power and viciousness was really amazing. Those buttons didn't stand a chance.

One morning, as it was getting light in the room, I was laying there in bed flat on my back and I felt the cat jump up on the foot of the bed--not unusual as it often liked to lay on my wife's hair. I wasn't really awake--just mildly aware of the cat stepping up slowly towards the middle of the bed. Then I felt it give that little wiggle--you know--the wiggle in it's rear end it gives just prior to it pouncing on something. Of course, I knew that another button was about to get brutally attacked and ripped from the headboard.

I felt the cat leap from near my knees. It pounced on a new sort of button I guess. That dirty little bastard attacked my NIPPLE! Teeth and front claws, all deeply embedded into my man-nipple, while rear claws scratched and kicked for leverage to remove the "button" from my chest.

I had been sleeping peacefully, but this pain brought me to a new level of immediate alertness I had not experienced before. A deep, guttural and primal man-scream came from my mouth. I was shocked by the ferocity and volume of these sounds coming from deep inside me, as my hands came alive and went straight for the throat of Shitty Kitty.

As my hands wrapped around the throat of that cat, the feline teeth came out of my flesh, the claws disembarked from my areola, rear legs and back claws shifted focus and now prepared to target my arms.

Perhaps you have seen cats fly before. I know I have, at least once. One cat named Shitty Kitty flew 15 feet that morning. It hit the wall about 6 feet up, landed on it's feet, then turned and looked back at me as if to say "What the hell is wrong with you?--I nearly had it, bitch!"

It took some time, but my left nipple did recover. What has never been restored is an ounce of faith in anything feline.

I hate cats.

« View full article »

My Shout Count

Comments

These comments in RSS.

Comment View Threshold:

micmac988, on 5/19/2008 7:07:38 PM
Total Posts: 367, Joined: 1/16/2007

@OP

I feel your pain brother. When I was 3 my neice (yeah, I'm the youngest out of 5) had a cat. The fucking thing tore up my left leg so badly....it's still a nasty twist of scar tissue (though I tell the women it's from a accident involving a burning building and me saving 3 kids).

I hate cats so much, I beat them with fuzzy puppies.

| Comment Score: Neutral | Edit Comment

Immaculate1, on 5/20/2008 12:19:10 AM
Total Posts: 7117, Joined: 7/16/2006

Scobiewan: "Cats are pointlesss, ever try and interact with a cat? Throw a stick, or roll a ball in front of a cat and it looks at you as if you're a retard."

^Wait a sec. You call making a cat act like your stupid bitch ass clown toy 'interacting'???? Hehe, no wonder you fail.

| Comment Score: Neutral | Edit Comment

Scobiewan, on 5/20/2008 4:40:18 AM
Total Posts: 607, Joined: 6/22/2006

"^Wait a sec. You call making a cat act like your stupid bitch ass clown toy 'interacting'???? Hehe, no wonder you fail."

If anyone can translate the above passage from our resident language expert so that it makes sense in english, please send it to

"Once Again Immac misses the point Institute",
No. 335 Immac's a retard street,
He can't speak english town,
Republic of STFU.

Thank you.

| Comment Score: Excellent | Edit Comment

seanboy, on 5/20/2008 4:58:58 AM
Total Posts: 128, Joined: 2/27/2006

^^^ I Think Immaculate1 jus got his ass handed to him on a silver platter.

| Comment Score: Neutral | Edit Comment

wagermeiser, on 5/20/2008 5:22:38 AM
Total Posts: 200, Joined: 12/6/2006

^lol Anyone here like both? Jeeesus.

Cats make for great pets, and if you live in the countryside with mice they are the perfect predator. Dogs have to be specifically bred to do animal catching. Also I don't know what kind of pussy cats you other guys have. My cats would catch birds or mice or rabbits or dig up moles and eat them whole right in front of me.

Dogs are loyal as shit and make for good company. Sometimes you want to walk a dog. Sled dogs are made for it! Also when you move to a different house you have to keep a cat inside, but a dog would never wander far once it's peed on enough trees.

I just hate ferrets. Smelly little rat bastards.

| Comment Score: Neutral | Edit Comment

Immaculate1, on 5/20/2008 5:36:29 PM
Total Posts: 7146, Joined: 7/16/2006

^ Scobiewan, never heard of a "stupid bitch ass clown toy"? Well, now you have.

Well, I'm sorry for my english, but you must realise we're lightyears apart so it's sometimes very difficult for me to cater to the needs of the poorly gifted.

Apparently you want a cat to act as your own personal little toy you can fool around with anyway you want. Well, it ain't gonna happen, as well as the likes of you handing my ass to me. :P

And next time before attacking me on my language, perhaps you should first try to translate your words into Dutch. Oh wait a second, you can't even do that, not by a long shot, isn't it? We can ONLY communicate because it is ME crossing the gap, not you. I'm at least one whole language ahead of you. So kindly, shut the fuck up.

"Throw a stick, or roll a ball in front of a cat and it looks at you as if you're a retard."

^^ Can you only imagine how humans perceive you when you even fail to convince a cat of your mental capacities?

| Comment Score: Neutral | Edit Comment

Scobiewan, on 5/20/2008 7:50:37 PM
Total Posts: 612, Joined: 6/22/2006

Yet again, missing the point. No-one knows what the fuck you are talking about, you just come here with sand in your vag, trying to pick holes in all my comments. You're the definition of anal.

Do you see people throwing sticks or balls to their dogs in the park, and immediately think "Why the hell are they making the poor dog act like their stupid bitch ass clown toy?" I don't think so. You could almost say they were interacting with their pet, forming a give and take relationship, loving their pet and feeling like their pet loves them. I know you guys in Holland are a bit kinky, so maybe "interacting" with your pet means something else over there, I've seen some pretty strange video clips from that neck of the woods.

"Oh wait a second, you can't even do that, not by a long shot, isn't it?"

That doesn't make sense either.

"And next time before attacking me on my language, perhaps you should first try to translate your words into Dutch"

Thing is, I don't have to, this is an English speaking site, and if you don't believe me, post a Dutch language article and see how long before it gets deleted. The least I could expect here is someone attempting to flame me, however badly, does so in English. English that actually makes sense, not just English words puked up on the screen in a random order.

"I'm at least one whole language ahead of you. So kindly, shut the fuck up."

See, there you go again, thinking that your knowledge of languages somehow gives you some superiority. You could speak every language ever spoken, and it would mean nothing here, because you're only required to know one-English. As for "crossing the gap", I never asked you to, and telling me to shut the fuck up is not crossing the gap. I won't, by the way, shut the fuck up. I won't give you any slack with your atrocious English as long as you use it to try pitifully to make fun of what I say either.

"Can you only imagine how humans perceive you when you even fail to convince a cat of your mental capacities?"

That was in response to my "Throw a stick" line, your second response in fact. Did you not think of this the first time you failed at flaming me? Either way, getting a cat to fetch a stick is not convincing it of your mental capacities, and to think it is, again, does not make sense. It isn't my fault you've never heard of throwing a stick and telling your dog to "go fetch".

In case you haven't realised immac, this is me NOT shutting the fuck up. Also, if you have any pictures of a stupid bitch ass clown toy fetching a ball, I'd love to see them. Fuck you, and feel free to translate that into any language you fucking want.

| Comment Score: Neutral | Edit Comment

mrwomp, on 5/20/2008 8:39:51 PM
Total Posts: 52, Joined: 1/30/2006

omfg great story
but i still think i hate cat's more
how many cats have you beat to death???
yea i thought so

fuck cats and their owners

| Comment Score: Neutral | Edit Comment

ThisisJeff, on 5/20/2008 9:07:42 PM
Total Posts: 2076, Joined: 4/8/2007

^Fuck u womp. if i see in the streets ima fuck u up with a crowbar bitch ass nigga.

| Comment Score: Neutral | Edit Comment

NXX, on 5/20/2008 10:59:31 PM
Total Posts: 312, Joined: 7/17/2007

1. I lock my dog in the yard because she is too stupid not to run away, or find her way home.

My cat roams completely free and ALWAYS returns when called.

2. My dog wets herself when she hears thunder, my cat sleeps through it.

3. I have to clean up my dogs shit, my cat shits elsewhere :P

4. I have to clip my dogs nails, my cat maintains his by himself.

5. My dog will never put down her damn ball, I could play her to death (no joke) with that ball. My cat is happy with an elastic band he found himself outside likely stalking a mailman.

6. I have to bathe my dog, my cat cleans himself.

7. My dog doesn't know what a litter box is.

For those of you who say dogs are more loyal, then why is it cats always return home? I know some of my neighbors feed him, yet he always returns. How do you explain that?

My cat kills mice, my dog barks when people are at the door or in the yard. They each have their jobs and I love them both very much. However, cats fucking rule. I'd bet most of the people who hate cats are also homophobes. A cat doesn't trust you right away, it's a trust that is earned. I think this is why a lot of people don't understand them.

| Comment Score: Neutral | Edit Comment

Comments per page: 10

Post your comments

Your Message:

This system allows you to use html-like tags in replacement of HTML. These tags are easier to use and are widely supported on messageboard systems.

HTML DISABLED
CODE DISABLED

You must be a registered user in order to post comments.
Please sign in or create a new account.