While checking out the submissions today, I happened across an article titled
The Childless Bitch At The Beach. After reading this, I became so angry that I just had to clarify what I consider to be rules of etiquette for non-parents who decide to hang out where children are present, or former parents who like to meddle.
In the three years since I’ve been a parent, I’ve had to deal with a lot of assholes who make it their mission to try to stick their fucking noses into parents’ business. I think it’s time to issue some of my own tips for these idiots. Don’t get me wrong – some of them clearly mean well, but it’d just be better if they would keep quiet and let the kids’ parents resolve the situation.
1. Fuck OffIf you hate kids, then
don’t hang around where kids are present. So there are annoying families at the beach ruining your fun, eh? Well then get up, collect your shit, and fuck off. There are plenty of places where there aren’t kids. Go to one of them.
Don’t dine at Bob’s Family Feedbag if you don’t want to hear screaming kids. Ditto for shopping at Toys R Us, swimming in a pool during a family swim, or playing a serious game of tennis at a court next to a playground. That’s OUR turf, and we’ll let our kids run wild there if we damned well feel like it. If you don’t like it, go eat at a bar, shop later at night, or play tennis in a private club you cheap bastard.
2. What Are You Looking At? HUH?!
Meddling with a frustrated parent may eventually lead to this. |
So you’re walking through the mall / park, standing in line at the bank, or sitting in a restaurant. You hear a kid freaking out and a parent stretching their patience to the limit. Let me tell you right now that the worst thing you could do is shoot the parent a dirty look. Scratch that. The absolute worst thing you could do is open your fucking mouth and say something to the parent. Just shut the fuck up and keep your eyes forward – that’s the only way to go. If you would just mind your own business, the situation would be brought under control in due time. There’s no need for you to make a comment or eyeball the parent. |
The fact is, kids sometimes freak out. You did it, I did it, and your kids will do it too. It’s just a fact of life. Even if the father is a regimental sergeant-major, the kids will still pull a few tantrums in public places. If you feel inclined to say something to the parent of a tantrum-pulling kid, do yourself a favour and don’t. You’re only making the situation worse by aggravating an already frustrated person. We don’t want our kids to freak out in public places, and it’s already an embarrassing nightmare for us. Any attempt to “help” will just make things worse.
3. He's Not Getting A Candy, So Fuck OffHas this ever happened to you, fellow parents? You’re standing in line at a convenience store with your kid, and it’s 15 minutes until supper time. They have the penny candies lined up at toddler eye-level, and you’re continuously telling your kid that no, he can’t have a candy, since it’ll spoil his supper. You finally get your point across when some fucking idiot (who thinks he’s being kind) says something like “Awww, I’ll buy him a candy. Here you go little guy!”
Let me address this so-called candy Samaritan. Fuck off. Of course he wants a fucking candy – he’s three years old. The thing is, I don’t want to give him one. It’s not that I can’t afford the fucking 1 cent candy, or that I’m an evil fun-hating parent. If he eats the fucking candy, he won’t eat supper, and he’ll want a candy every time we go into a store. By offering my kid a candy, you’ve completely undermined my authority as a parent and are making things more difficult for both of us in the long run. So keep your fucking candy to yourself. Buy your own kids candy.
4. My Kid Isn’t A PussyHere’s one that’s more of a mild annoyance. You’re walking down the street (or mall or whatever) and your kid trips and falls (which happens roughly 500 times per day). Someone sees this and screams “OH MY GOD!!!”, runs over, and starts with the “are you ok? Is he ok? OMG let me see his head!” If you are this person, fuck off.
My kid isn’t a delicate glass slipper like yours. He can easily endure a misstep or a fall when running, just as you or I did when we were young. In fact, you are making things worse by coddling him and sucking up to him after the fall. If he knows he’s going to get all this attention when he falls, he’ll ham it up every time and you wind up with a pussy kid. I already have a proper course of action for such a situation. It goes “Are you OK?” (he usually nods), “where does it hurt?” (he indicates, if it hurt in the first place), then I ask him to move it, etc, followed by “No breaks? Good, off you go.” Often this isn’t even required. He’ll just stand up, dust himself off, and be on his way. The less attention that you give to a mild fall or bump, the less of a pussy your kid will be in the future.
So don’t fuck with my operation. I don’t want my kid to be a fairy, so if you see him trip, just let me do the parenting. If he falls down a fucking elevator shaft or something, then you might have a case for opening your yap, but until then, just STFU.
5. Keep It To YourselfI really don’t care how you did it in 1955 or how many episodes of Dr. Phil you saw. You had your kids already, so you had all the time in the world to put your parenting “knowledge” to use. Now it’s my turn, so fuck off. Don’t approach me out of the blue with tips. Don’t try to tell me what will work with my kid, because what works for one kid may not work with another. If I wanted your advice, I’d have asked.
Before you pull a shit-fit like the woman in the above-linked article, consider this:
you were a child once. You freaked out in banks. You asked for candies 10 minutes before suppertime. You accidentally kicked sand over some kid-hating bitch’s towel at the beach. Guess what? Some snivelling little cunt probably cursed your parents out privately, too. Why? Because your parents dared to let their children do what children do – have fun.
Remember, ShoutWireans, to have a little patience and understanding when you see a kid having a shit-fit in line at Tim Hortons, playing on the beach, or making a racket in a restaurant. Oh, and if you see parenting in progress when you’re out and about, the best thing that you can do is mind your own fucking business.