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Posted by Fido Promoted 109 days 8 hours ago 2049 views
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The 1980’s brought us Hula Hoops, sliced bread, color TV’s and Tiny Tim.
OK, those are lies. But, seeing as most who might be reading this may have been infants in the 80‘s, I thought I might get away with it. Rather than have to refer to what actually did happen within the decade and save me the trouble of researching anything. Because, I really don’t remember. However, with the aid of a timeline and wikipedia, I’ll try to pick out the highlights, or lowlights of that forgettable. era.
1980. Exit John Lennon, enter Ronald Reagan.
John Lennon was shot to death on December 8, 1980 by a psychotic fan in front of the Dakota Hotel in New York City, ending the career of a superbly talented musician and outspoken peace activist.
Ronald Reagan was elected president of the United States. A hawkish, significantly less talented performer trounced an ineffective, castrated Jimmy Carter with the promise of conservative leadership and restoring the US to top badass status in the world community. His popularity being wholly based on the premise that he might just be crazy enough to be capable of anything.
1981. MTV is born and ketchup would become a vegetable.
After slashing a billion dollars from the federal school lunch budget, Ronald Reagan suggested the USDA make do. One proposed option was to classify ketchup as the vegetable portion of a balanced school diet in place of more expensive items such as carrots or broccoli. Fortunately, it never happened.
MTV came on air August first of 1981 and began to turn viewers into vegetables with 24 hour music video programming. MTV can also be held responsible for launching the careers of such notable talents as Milli Vanilli, Cindy Lauper, Boy George and Flock of Seagulls. The worst part is, it was ten times better, then than now.
1982. Michael Jackson achieves new heights, surpassed by a lawn chair tethered to weather balloons .
Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” sells 20 million copies to become the most popular record album ever produced. The proceeds of which and following recordings went to the “Neverland” compound, years of plastic surgeries, costly pedophilia defenses and ultimately to funding his new digs in Dubai.
In the big cojones category, Larry Walters tied 42 weather balloons to a lawn chair to rise to 16,000 feet in altitude before descending to earth 90 minutes later by shooting out the balloons with a pellet gun. The FAA fined him 1500 dollars. Money well spent in too short relief from Michael Jackson.
1983. Say no to drugs, yes to invasion.
“Just Say NO to Drugs”. Nancy Reagan headed this campaign to clean up America’s youth. References to this laughable, simplistic message continue to brought up today.
Meanwhile, President Reagan sent troops to overwhelm the tiny island of Grenada in an ongoing effort to combat communism. In response to Margaret Thatcher’s plea that the US not invade Grenada, Reagan acknowledged his being remiss in not telling her it had already begun. The victorious 6 week campaign resulted in more military honors being awarded than throughout the entire Vietnam war.
1984. Reagan makes a “funny” and the AIDS virus is isolated.
"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." Speaking into what he thought was a dead microphone, Ronald Reagan drew a collective WTF from anyone within earshot. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Sure you were. Russia was not amused.
Researchers identify and name Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome as the scourge of the gay community and intravenous drug users. Middle America shrugs and goes back to watching MTV.
1985. The year of invention, Nintendo and crack cocaine are introduced.
.Nintendo introduced it's first NES game console in North America and Europe. Super Mario took the world by storm. Revitalizing a sagging game market, while sending impressionable young minds on quests for magic mushrooms.
Freebasing cocaine was nothing new in the 80’s. However, with Richard Pryor’s popular flaming head mishap fresh in mind, entrepreneurial drug dealers saw a market for a pre-packed product and crack cocaine was born. Next to Nintendo, it may go down as one of the great innovations of the 20th century.
1986. The Fox Network comes on air and Chernobyl is irradiated.
The worst nuclear accident to date occurred in the Ukraine at Chernobyl. One of 4 reactors went to near meltdown, releasing massive clouds of airborne radioactive particles across the Ukraine, Russia and parts of Europe. The plant site remains off limits today and worldwide long term effects are still being calculated.
On a lighter note The Fox Network was introduced to report on the growing phenomenom of 2 headed fish.
1987. Baby Jessica falls in a well and the US budget hits One trillion.
“Baby Jessica” McCLure, at 18 months old, fell into a well. Rescuers worked frantically for 58 hours to free her while the nation watched with nonstop media coverage. Credit for the rescue was primarily given to 2 men. One, suffering from post traumatic stress, later committed suicide. The other is doing 35 years for sexual assault and exploitation of a child. So much for fame or good intentions.
While the country held it’s breath for Baby Jessica, the first one trillion dollar Federal budget made it’s way through Congress. A mere bag of shells by today’s standards.
1988. “Don’t worry, be happy”, Prozac is introduced.
Bobby McFerrin becomes the first acapella performer to hit number 1 on the billboard charts with “Don’t Worry, Be happy”. I’d post the youtube video, but I fear you’d be damning me for putting the song in your heads.
In what may just be a amazing coincidence, Prozac is introduced as a treatment for depression. Side effects include an unnatural fondness for pseudo-reggae nonsense.
1989. George Bush takes office and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles take off.
The slogan:“Read my lips, no new taxes.”, brought the first George Bush and former Vice President to the White House as President. Later, he would have to explain, well, they’re really not “new” taxes, just larger old ones. A lesson in bullshit not lost on his offspring.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle craze took hold, leading to movies and enough merchandising to float China’s economy. If you were a child in that era and didn’t own a complete set of figures, you’d have to have been a commie.
Well, that’s it for my contribution on the 80’s. In actuality, quite a few other things happened as well that I’ve neglected to include due to time and space constraints.
For additional information you might consult this horribly written site for a more comprehensive time line:
http://www.inthe80s.com/timeline.sht
