During a hastily called press conference early this morning, Tom Cruise, representing the Church of Scientology, confirmed rumors that the cul… I mean, group, has indeed completed work on a “laser” and intends to use it against the rogue internet collective known as “Anonymous”, which has plagued the cul… damn, I mean group, as of late with protests, funny phone calls, and interweb ownage.
“It is going to be a privilege to get hit by this laser!” Mr. Cruise was quoted as saying, “If you are passing by an accident and get hit by this laser, you have to stop. You’re the only one who CAN stop. That’s what Scientology is all about!”
He also confirmed that it is indeed “a chargin”.
“I’m excited about this!” Tom went on as he jumped up and down and closed his eyes really hard. “You see this medal? This means I’m the champion! The champion of Scientology!” He then ranted for about five minutes but most of the press missed it due to the fact that last line made nearly everyone in the building suddenly have to take a shit.
When later asked how they would use the laser, considering all the members of Anonymous are… well, anonymous, Cruise responded:
“A large bony gentleman in a blue cloak sold us a list of names. That’s right, Mike Hunt, Derrick McLovin, and Sally Struthers… just to name a few. People like you will no longer be able to hide behind a mask! We know who you are!” In related news, this new plasma TV I got is fucking bad ass…