Earlier this week, in the good name of getting laid I had to agree to watch not only The English Patient, but also a movie called Amélie. Surprisingly, the latter was not bad. Regardless, coming off of that I felt it only proper that we create a definitive list for the ten most badass movie moments...
10. Independence Day - Fuck you, aliens.
Aliens are the most cocky son's of bitches. It seems not even a year can go by before they unleash an arrogant scheme to use humans for incubators, blow up our landmarks, or make scantily clad women fight them off for all things right and true. Ok, so the last part isn't so bad, but they want nothing more than to use our butts for babies' daddy incubators, like a freak episode of Maury Povich. I can't be 100% sure, but I swear one of the little rotters managed to pick-pocket my ass last night on the metro. It was either him or the drunken tranny midget, but that's beside the point.
Independence Day was semi-badass for its decent use of CGI at the time, but moreover, the badass motherships that were blowing Earth up left and right, for no other reason than aliens like to attack Earth. Their plans were going well, until a lone and bitter old man remembered the time they gave him an anal probe years ago. Filled with rage, he went and got his revenge. Flying his crop-duster plane Kamikaze style into an attack ship, the old man finally got to stick it back to the aliens. It's said after this scene aired, Catholic motherships were seen fleeing Earth for weeks on end.
9. Heat - When worlds collide.
Below, you'll see Al Pacino and Robert de Niro staring face to face. De Niro is a badass thief. Pacino is a badass cop. You can guess how it all must go down. It's no coincidence that cute baby kittens almost went extinct right after this movie's release in '95.
8. Rocky - If you fade out it seems like a long time has passed in a montage.
The best part of Rocky was popularizing the sports montage. The montage in itself is a badass plot device, because you get a crappy 80s song set to clips of someone training or getting ready to kick ass. In this case, it happened to be Rocky preparing to beat down a no good Commie who killed Apollo Creed. Only a montage could properly catch this moment.
"I Must Break You."
7. Gladiator - Maximus vows to kick ass.
Rome must have been one of the toughest places to live and be a guy. Around every corner there was a Brutus, ready to stab you in the back with dagger and scrog your wife for good measure. Emperors couldn't even avoid the Brutusery of the time. Worse, every man was required to daintily frolic in a public bath house once a week, lest he face the zap of Zeus. Zzzzzap.
Ok, maybe not all Romans were dandies, but there were plenty of sneaky bastards. None were as dishonourable than the little prick Commodus in Gladiator.
Commodus was a foul little shit for many reasons. Commodus' father, the sickly Emperor Marcus Aurelius, knew his son was a pansy and told him about it, then said a guy named Maximus would get the throne. Like a woman, Commudus faked tears and lured his ailing dad into a hug, pulled a Brutus, then suffocated his own father with a pillow. That's low, but he just couldn't stop there. Being a prick, Commudus then tried to scrog his sister.
Not only did he try, he threatened to kill her son if she wouldn't get down with him. He then had Maximus' family raped and crucified, which he later bragged to Maximus about, and sent Maximus off to be killed by his soldiers. Karma was also a bitch for Commodus, as Maximus showed up weeks later, won the crowd and delivered this speech.
"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."
6. Enter The Dragon - Bruce Lee reveals anguished face of rage and pain.
There is a common theme you'll notice in badass movie moments. Do not fuck with a man's family, or he will eventually monkeystomp your ass. There is no scene in movie history that better captures this truth than the one that follows. In Enter The Dragon, Bruce Lee's sister is chased down by a group of horny karate bastards. They wanted to defile and rape her.
Trapped in a corner, she was faced with being tortured by the guys or killing herself Samurai style with a big piece of glass. By mid-movie, Bruce Lee had a chance to fight the main guy who forced his sister's death. Notice the confused pain and rage in his eyes when he monkey-stomps the guy's neck. Badass.
5. The Godfather - Don't refuse un-refusable offers.
As every man knows at the time of birth, The Godfather is badass by its very nature. You just can't get any better than scheming gray suits sporting mobster guns, plotting on everyone around. The most badass scene of this movie is the classic horsehead in the bed.
When you're a denizen of the seedy underworld, it's oft times a good idea to listen to the rulers of the domain. Jack Woltz found this the hard way. After refusing an offer from the mob, he awakens to find a horse-head in his bed. That's a mob love token that means, "Fuck you, you cocky deal refusing asshole -Love, The Mob", "PS, we're gonna' knock ya' off'.
The scene was cool in itself, but then there's the back-story. The film's director, Francis Ford Coppola, was not satisfied using a fake horse's head, Despite protests, he decided to get a real horse's head from a slaughterhouse. A defiant Brando (Don Corleone) had this to say: "'Thirty people were shot in the movie, but people only talked about 'cruelty to animals.'"
4. The Patriot - Gibson unleashes colonial father rage on Redcoats.
Now as we know, Mel Gibson is somewhat a crazy bastard. He's likely on his way to becoming a right villain once he grows a proper goatee and builds laser mounts on his secret church. If you watch many Gibson movies, you'll notice several key themes. A love for gore, a love for revenge, and chopping British folks with hatchets.
It's too bad Colonel Tavington and his redcoats didn't get the memo before they decided to kill Mel's sons and kidnap another in The Patriot. If they were paying attention, they would have known the rule: "Do not fuck with a man's family, or he will eventually monkeystomp your ass."
Mel went a bit over the line of monkeystomping here though. He saw the line, shat upon it, then decided to paint the line red following the sadistic bloodbath he unleashed on the redcoats.
3. Scarface
- In the upper echelons of greatness, men are known best by nicknames.
Drugs, women, guns and Columbian drug lords: Tony Montana, aka Scarface, was not punk and he wanted it all. It may just be my circle of peers, but I've yet to go a damn good year without seeing someone with the following poster framed on their walls.
2. Saving Private Ryan - Grizzled war veterans relive their ass-kicking youth.
In the grand scheme of history, our generation is somewhat what a gynecologist would scientifically call "pussies". Not quite the dirty type you'd find in a vomit-ridden West Hollywood street corner, but more the suburban lavender-mist douche scented Chris Crocker types of clams. Ages ago, men went out to hunt meat by hand, build good fires using old Indian tricks and could not go to sleep until they had killed at least 50 NAZIs.
Our great-grandfathers kicked plenty of ass, and that's why their storming the beaches on D-Day makes number 2 on the most badass movie moments list.
1. Fight Club
I would say more, but then I'd just have to kick my own ass.
