This is the sad ballad of my good friend Chuck, plus a basic guide to women developed after his downfall.
Hello, good readers, Joe Reagan here. Instead of talking about overarching societal issues today, we're going to talk about something far more general and important. Women.
This discussion will especially hold valuable and true to you young bachelors out there, eagerly awaiting the rest of summer and the upcoming year at your respective work and/or schools. Take heed and pay attention. We are going to explore the inner-workings of the Five Categories of Women and learn how to properly rate them as well, using the Reagan-Tucker Scale.
Before we begin, however, a back story is in order. Some time ago, some quality friends and I were chilling out at a club, getting one of our boys out of a funk following a rough, rough breakup. It was a bad night. The guy, "Chuck", was so off his game that not only did he commit the ultimate club foul, never to be spoken of again, but constantly moped on and on about how his girl burned him. Trying to dance around with women while a friend is on the side, yelling stuff like"...she apparently f**ed with a guy over there, in that bathroom!" don't mix well together. It makes for a generally bad time.
After a half hour or so, Chuck must have grown tired about whinging to us over the music and wandered off. It was a nice relief on the ears, but encouraging too as it opened up the prospect of him finally getting some action and moving on. You see, Chuck's ex girlfriend, who he had dated for over a year, is who you would call "morally questionable".
She put on the nice, settled girl persona, but a seasoned man would have noticed one thing about her. She was always surrounded by exclusively guys, always being a bit flirty with them (myself included), and had perhaps one or two friends that were girls. This is the type of thing that should send up warning signs, my good friends.
Chuck had to learn the hard way, finding out from another friend that his girl was seen macking down on a guy outside a restaurant. The treacherous actions were only confirmed by several others, who claimed that several weeks before, ol' Chuck's girl was seen frolicking with a guy (not sure if the same) by the very bathroom in the club we were in.
As it stands, it had been over an hour since I had seen or heard from Chuck, so I took a break from the action to give a peek around the club for him. You always have to look out for buddies caught in the rarely seen rebound. True enough to the old wisdom, Chuck was drunken and tongue deep in a tough-looking girl that can only be described as Steve Austin with the hair of Richard Simmons, all the way down to a sparkly outfit. It was time to go.
After dropping Chuck off at home, several friends decided to cool it at my place. The topic of the night was to discover how it all went wrong for Chuck and how to keep such things for happening again. Through a scholarly session of drunken logic , the following guide was born. Read it carefully, my friends. Do not let the tragic Ballad of Chuck become your own.
So here it is. In all of its glory; Joe P. Reagan's Guide to Women. Remember, the categories are sliding. A woman may exhibit traits from sevaral types all at once, being caught in transition. If you have sage advice, pointers or add-ons to this list, give it.
The Five Categories of WomenCategory 1: The GirlfriendThis is likely the girl you are currently dating, or thinking about asking out next weekend. At first, you will find her to be very appealing, probably bragging to your buddies about your new woman, unless befallen by the *Bagger Paradox.
The girlfriend is usually really good at many things, holding decent conversation, being smart, fun to hang out with and the like. Nine times out of Ten, however, tragedy eventually strikes and a Fatal Flaw emerges. It may be that she has an annoying laugh. She may get jealous of your friends and start demanding it's either her or them. We've all been at that point before, and as you know, that's when it's time to go.
Category 2: The FriendThe friend is among the rare girls in your life that of course, given the chance you would probably "scrog" (maybe even going "with benefits for a while) as people around here say. You, however, will never get into a long-term relationship. Your friend is trustworthy, often having many other friends -both girls and guys. The friend is a girl you'll keep contact with your entire life, even if and after you get married.
Category 3: The WifeyThe wifey is the woman you take home to Mom, buy a house with and for who you give up the bachelor life. She may not be the hottest woman, the best at or cooking for that matter, but she is a sweetheart, loyal and loves you. The Wifey is the girl to be deeply appreciated and who will make you happy in the long run, lest you invoke her wrath. Then she will own you, all of you.
Category 4: The Common HarlotA person not so wise may think this is the worst, and most dangerous, type of woman. That person would be wrong. The Common Harlot, known in the vernacular as a skank or ho, loves sex and anything to do with sex. She loves it so much, in fact, that she proudly tells everyone she likes sex.
You will usually notice a tattoo, probably Yin-Yang, on the bottom portion of her back. Those are there just so you know she is a wild one. The Common Harlot is good, however, because she will not deceive you. As she advertised, perhaps at a strip joint, you already know what you're getting.
Category 5: The "Friend"Just like a hurricane, it is the Category 5 woman that is the worst of them all. This is who our friend "Chuck" was dating. The "Friend" is a girl who loves attention from men. She loves it so much, that she will keep company with as many men as possible, always with the outside appearance of being friends. The thing is this; that desire for attention (usually psychologically based) does NOT stop on the outside. If a man wants to take the "attention" to the bedroom with her, she will take it there.
The "Friend" is dangerous, as she will be in a somewhat "dating" relationship with many guys at once, all not knowing what goes on behind closed doors when she is with other guy friends. All in all, if you are suspicious about your girl hanging around a bunch of guys (and hardly no other women) ask a good buddy if she flirts with him, and ask him to flirt back a little. You'll soon enough know the results.
Grading Looks: The Reagan-Tucker ScaleAs an added bonus, here is a sure fire way to accurately describe/rate the looks of people you are dating. The scale is simplistic in design, yet effective in analyzation. It beats the standard 1-10 scale. It is based on the principle one cannot truly quantify a person's looks until scaling them at both their Base Look and Going Out look. It should be noted that on your wedding day, this scale goes out the window. Here is the scale equation:
[BL * (G-T)] + W= RatingBase Looks (B)= How a person looks naturally, like while wearing pajamas, just waking up, or hanging out around the house.
Going Out Looks (G)= How a person looks after "prep" time for a date (long term things, like plastic surgery, excluded).
The Time Penalty (T)= .5 points deducted for every 15 minutes it takes to create "Going Out Looks". If T becomes greater than G under normal circumstances, (G-T) is removed from equation and you should probably run away.
WOW Factor(W)= When going out (for date) you say "Whoa" at how good you date looks.
For a working example, say your girlfriend is a solid 7 base looks when just chilling out at home. You call her up one night, and say, "Hey, let's go out." She gets ready in 15 minutes and looks very attractive, pulling her up to an 8 and you say "Wow, you look good."
7 * (8-.5) + 5= 57.5. Not too shabby, as you'll see when you start using the scale.
So there you have it, a definitive, scientific guide to woman. Use it with care, lest you end up drunk in a club, making out with a steroid poppin' Richard Simmons.
=Joe P. Reagan=
Glossary*
The Bagger Paradox: Strange Parodox invoked when a friend starts dating a new girl, but tries to keep her hidden or "bagged" from public view. The friend usually lurks in the shadows with his girl, or keeps all dates to a "home only" basis, indicating he is worried about being heckled over his dating choice.*
Fatal Flaw: Occurs when a man is dating a Category 1 woman (Girlfriend) and finds one of her habits to be brutally annoying, to the point of being forced to flee a relationship.*
The WOW Factor: When rating a woman's looks, as a means to give friends a ball-park estimate, points added to her overall score when "dressed up" for an event.