Part I of a two part series outlining some of the most evil beings that we share our planet with. Numbers 10-6 for now- pictures, and videos inside!
When it comes to creepy-crawlies, for me, it is a love-hate relationship. Since I was a young lad I have loved entomology and many of the subcategories of zoology. I used to spend hours making my own “bug catcher” boxes and nets. Then I’d put on my khaki vest with more pockets than herd of kangaroos and head into the outback. Of course I loved catching a “new species” or simply coming across a large grasshopper made my day. However, in my many illustrious incursions into the animal kingdom I came across some creatures that made my stomach churn. Some things, that surely were not meant to coexist with you and I but somehow through a farce in the natural course of evolution, we have to pray that we never come into contact with. So, I’ve gathered together a list of the most disgusting, repulsive, and vile beings imaginable to keep you safe and educate you on a plan of action in case you do encounter one of these creatures.
#10 – Deep Sea IsopodThis little critter is one of the deadliest beings known to man. It patrols the depths of the abyss like his predecessor, the demon Abaddon. These guys grow up to three pounds (1.4kg) and almost 20 inches long, basically it’s a giant rolly polly(pillbug) on steroids and crystal meth. It has four sets of jaws so it can eat four inferior beings at a time or inflict massive damage to larger beings. They live in ice-cold water in the ocean depths, (see: abyss) where there is little to no light at all. Their only known enemy is the tiger shark, which if you have a brain tells you these isopods are a force to be reckoned with. If you encounter an Isopod in his natural habitat you are probably going to be enclosed in a submarine or other deep-sea exploration device. My advice would be to either man the harpoons and prepare for a costly battle or set conditions to red alert and breach the surface as fast as you can. With four sets of jaws I don’t see solid steel standing in-between you and a bloody underwater death for very long.
Moving silently along the ocean floor... Like an evil nazi submarine.
The Isopod gained the trust of this man with lies and false promises -shortly before ripping his throat open.
An Isopod smiling shortly after devouring 3 kittens. #9 – Iraqi Mole CricketSome people say the Americans invaded Iraq for oil, others say it was to spread freedom and liberate them from the tyrannical leader Saddam Hussein. Yet, there are some people who know the truth. The truth that this whole “oil” thing is a cover up and we are really there liberating the Iraqi people from a hoard of evil demon spawn. The Iraqi mole cricket can grow up to 3-4 inches max and usually spends its free time burrowing tunnels to bury its eggs. They are nocturnal so don’t plan on sleeping much if you are in Iraq. Also, it is best to stay out of subterranean areas to eliminate risk of crossing paths with one of these roughnecks. They get their name from the resemblance of moles and their activities. However, moles are cute and harmless, while mole crickets will stop at nothing to ensure the human race dies off quickly. There are many different species of mole crickets spread across a vast six continents; the Iraqi mole cricket is the most evil and disgusting though. If encountered, hopefully you will have a machine gun or other firearm at your disposal. In which case I suggest emptying clip after clip into the ground wherever you suspect a mole cricket might pop up again. Hand grenades are also extremely effective but it is best to stay inside the plated armor of an M1 Abrams. If you have no weapons or protection, pretty much do everything Kevin Bacon does in that movie tremors. You should be fine.
A brave special ops delta force SAS green beret ranger is one of the few men able to hold such a beast.
OMFG Kill it with fire!
Notice the front claws used for burrowing into soil, sand, or bone. #8 – Camel CricketsCrickets themselves are pretty nasty bugs in general yet certain genera are much nastier than their common cousins. I personally have experienced the wrath of camel crickets. They live predominately in the south east states in America. However they are found quite often on the east coast all the way up into Canada. Other countries also have slightly different types of camel crickets but they are all easily identifiable. From what I have seen they usually take up residence in cool, dark, damp areas. These sick little fuckers seem to think it’s funny to live in nests of hundreds and resemble spiders, often shocking home-owners looking for that lost box of Xmas decorations in the basement. While I’m not 100% sure what they feed upon, I assume it’s a mixture of leaves, cardboard and putrid flesh. Once, while still living with my parents, I was watering my mother’s flowers when I saw one or two of these guys jumping up against the bricks of the house. The concrete patio running up against the bricks was peeling back due to erosion and foundation problems so I sprayed the little bugs with a blast of powerful H2O back down into the crack. I recall, in horror, seeing about 60-100 of these camel crickets frantically jumping and crawling up from the cracks in the patio while I so desperately tried to hose them back to their underground lair. It didn’t work and all I know is I ended up using several cans of Raid, achieving little success. My recommendation to any unlucky soul who encounters these demon spawn is to stay calm, they seem to sense fear, then just get the fuck out of whatever god forsaken dwelling you happened to find them in.
Also on a side note: I remember finding them often jumping in the house by themselves, they could easily take a hard slapping with a sandal and jump right back up. They are tough as hell and just as evil.
People often confuse the back legs of the camel cricket with those of a spider.
...It is usually the last mistake they ever make.
An absolutely disgusting creature whose natural niche is to scare humans. #7 – Human Botfly (Dermatobia hominis)If you thought God existed, think again. No loving creator would subject anyone to the horrors of pulling a botfly maggot from a festering abscess on your body. The human botfly has a very complex and vicious parasitic life cycle. First the mother fly captures a mosquito or other fly that will come into contact with humans. Next, she attaches her eggs to the sub-host’s abdomen. When the sub-host makes contact with a human host the eggs fall off and they use the entry point of the sub-host (i.e. the mosquito’s bite) as a base for operations. The larvae then develop under the subcutaneous layers of the skin. After 8 weeks or so they are ready to emerge and crawl out of your skin to finish their life cycle in the soil. Basically, the movie aliens in real life. If you find yourself infected by this awful parasite there are some things you can do. Personally, once seeing a living, squirming thing flop around inside of an infected wound I would end my life right then and there. That is the only sensible thing to do. For the brave souls who wish to combat the botfly the best method is to have a friend extract it with tweezers and
make sure they get the entire larvae out as it can cause serious infection if part of the larvae is left in. Oh yah, they have series of hooks on their ass so they can lock into your skin. So, extracting it without pulling it in half is not as simple as it sounds. I have also heard you can put duct tape over the wound to suffocate the fucker, then extract when dead.
Yes, that is correct; botfly larvae are typically plucked from your eyes.
Notice the hooks to anchor the larva inside a cavity in your body
Sometimes they are pulled from your brain as well. #6 – Iraqi Camel SpiderRemember up back a ways when I said America’s main purpose was not really oil, it was the eradication of some seriously abhorrent animals. Well, this is another prime example. The number one cause of death for US troops in Iraq is death by fright. Many battle hardened soldiers keel over and die simply after witnessing a wild camel spider appear. Not much is really known about the spider, other than it is surely not born of this earth. Most scientists studying the creature have ended up going mad or falling victim to the spiders deadly poison fangs. The spider in all reality is a huge creature with an actual ground speed of 10 miles per hour. Their quadruple fangs stick out amongst their split mandibles and a paralyzing venom is readily available for use. Stories from iraq have come back that these spiders inject you with their venom which paralyzes you and/or puts you to sleep. All the while the camel spider is calling up his homeboys to come feast upon the fresh kill. If you encounter this creature see recommendation for Iraqi mole cricket encounter. If any problems arise, my sincere advice is to end your own life quickly and don’t let these fucking bastards take pleasure in destroying your life.
It took the entire US 5th batallion to capture two iraqi camel spiders.
Side by side, size comparison of human female and iraqi camel spider.
A feirce combatant, known to prey on lizards and birds.Since the camel spider is one of the most revolting creatures I have ever seen in my short life I felt it deserved some more time in the limelight. Here is a youtube video that is guaranteed to send shivers down your spine:
Part II will have numbers 5-1 and should be out very shortly.