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9 Things I Disagree With About Marriage    Posted by Xxoozero  Promoted 52 days 18 hours ago  5317 views  editorial       Entertainment / Humor  |    28 comments  |  Stumble it! Facebook WTF?!, Write A Response

I love my wife. Things like this must be said when writing such things. Call me a bitch or whatever, but I would like to get laid in the future...

She won’t put up with my fight club in the basement

While she does have a point that we don’t have a basement and these guys can’t just keep piling up on our couch… fuck, she does have a point. Still, she can’t keep asking them if they want cookies after I beat them with a broom! Last week I went to go get a shovel and when I came back the three guys on the porch who were supposed to have no god damn encouragement were drinking tea and eating crumpets. I just can’t work with this…

I can has no more Batcave!?

I used to look around and see my clothes on the floor and Angelina Jolie near naked on my wall. Nowadays I see decorations, pretty things, and candles. There is even a couch that did not come from someone’s trash and no milkcrate holding up the TV. Don’t even get me started on the god damn pictures of Jesus. Everytime I see his broken body hanging from the cross I get a sadistic sense of glee and start to think “That’s what you get, fagboy…”

300, every night, is out of the question

To be fair she does like 300. Only a commie wouldn’t. And it is cool if I play it once, or even twice, a day. This may be cool for other guys, but to me, this is unacceptable! 300 should be on the TV every second of every minute of every day for the rest of time or until a proper sequel is made. God dammit, I swear I will spear a Persian coward!

The blanket priority order

Before, I was number one on this list. If there were covers to be had, they were mine to do with what I wish. These days I take them where I can get them. On a good night I will only freeze once or twice. On a bad night it feels like I am in the blizzard’s of France fighting Nazis for freedom, except there really are no Nazis in Colorado and I’m just being a pussy.

She will not allow me to smoke like a chimney stack in the house

I believe this is just another part of the tobacco company’s evil plan to get me hooked then not let me smoke anywhere ever. It’s like 9-11 except instead of trying to go to war Bush and his cronies are trying to get me to quit smoking. I will NOT negotiate with terrorist demands! You may take my right to smoke indoors but you will never take my FREEDOM!!! (to smoke outside)

I must buy stuff other than bacon and soda

Men can live off bacon and soda alone. Women need other stuff, like vegetables and strange mixes that come pre packaged in boxes. I used to buy stuff like that too but only when I was going to cook it right away. Sometimes these things stay in our fridge for days. Madness?! Definitely not Sparta…

Inlaws

I am a man who does not put up with bullshit and drama. A family full of women is nothing but bullshit and drama. Therefore, I am hated. So be it, I don’t like people anyways. I am Will Smith when he was mad over sharing his bacon with the last people on Earth. I was saving it, god dammit…

Things you write will piss off your wife

Like that last thing. Sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing until it’s already done. Sometimes you know but you do it anyways. This would be an example of the latter. The hell that will be wrought down upon me for the blasphemies you read above will be worse than what the god damn Germans did to the Jews. No, really.

The look

Yes, the look I am certain to get shortly after this is posted. It’s the look you get when your thoughts are just south of right, as mine mostly are. Some of you guys know about this because some of you guys are just like me, deep down in the place you don’t want to admit. Women can see through us. It’s downright frightening. I’m going to curl up in a ball and cry now. Not really. I’m just going to go to sleep.

Since it doesn’t get any better than slowly digressing from number seven into something that I will never hear the end of for the rest of my life, I leave you with that.

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