These are the top five things that piss me off about you food service workers and the drive-thru experience.
#1. Stop Being A Condiment Nazi
I remember a time in the 1980s where one could go to a fast food joint and order a quick meal on the go. It was great. The food came out steaming hot, fries extra salty and fattening burger extra juicy, yet covered with fresh, non-salmonella tainted lettuce and tomatoes. There were loads of different sauces in which to dip your foods.
Somehow between then and now, fast food worker aristocrats have decided to cut costs and leave us lowly customers without what used to be standard condiments. How many times am I going to have to beg for alms, like a damned one-legged leper at an ancient Israeli wall?
Dan: "Please, kind worker, may I have a packet or two of ketchup with my fries?"
Dan: "I know this isn't standard, but I actually like house ranch. Perhaps a pack...and a napkin or two?"
Condiment-Nazi Israeli Food Worker: "Hell no, we're greedy and kill cripples. Die, customer leper, die!"
Why the hell are we begging for this stuff?
#2. ShhhShhh SHh Shhh Shh Luke Shh Shhh I am Your Shhh SHhh $3.89, window 2It's the year 2008. Several weeks ago NASA scientists achieved a marvel of modern science by sending a sophisticated Phoenix robotic probe to Mars successfully. This monumental and impressive achievement had the 'lander' attempt a more high-tech landing, carrying fancy equipment all the while.
Nearly instantly, all the way from Mars, the lander was able to clearly communicate with Earth. It has sent back pictures of landscapes, and even more impressively, frozen water! Awesome.
So in a day and age when we can communicate with probes on Mars, instantly and clearly talk to a friend on any point on Earth...why the hell can't food workers have working microphones and intercoms?
Food workers, why do you hate us?
If you weren't so busy being arrogant condiment Nazis and lobbying for more benefits, you'd see the joy you'd bring us by not having to yell our orders into a wall of static.
The sounds of Scrooge McDuck in the throes of sexual ecstasy, mixed with nails on the chalkboard, are not fun to hear when you're trying to buy food. Let's not even get into the anger of not knowing if one's order was taken correctly. Fortunately, 'Window 2" is alway audible, so you know the order is over.
#3. When One Drives Halfway Up The Street, To Only Have a Passenger Say..."They didn't give us our tacos!"It was a Thursday. Thirsty Thursday. Some friends and I went out for a good time and afterward, wanted a bite to eat. Naturally, we went to a drive-thru restaurant. I do believe it was named Jack in the Box.
After yelling my order to Scrooge's probable O face, I drove up to Window 2 to pay for the order. The price seemed right and there were three bags, more than enough to house our food order. The amount of drinks were correct.
Order complete, the music was cranked way up and we proceeded to cruise down the road for our next destination. Suddenly, a shriek emanated from the back..."What the #$() ()#$()834..." and I actually have to censor what was said there, as it was filled with so much anger it'd crash even ShoutWire.
"What the )(#$#)*$, the bastards didn't give us one taco!". Yeah, Jack in the Box tacos are so unhealthy and greasy they are good.
Pissed, I pulled a U-turn to quickly get back to the restaurant. Bwop, bwop. Greeeat. A cop. After getting a ticket for pulling a U-turn, I finally made it back to the drive-thru.
Worker: "ShhSHh The force Shh Shh"
Dan: "Hey guys, I think you may have forgotten to give us our tacos."
Worker: "...."
Dan: "?"
Worker: "...."
Dan: "Uhh?"
Worker: "...Window 2"
It seems we didn't get a receipt either, so the manager had to approve giving us what we paid for 30 minutes, 3 miles and one ticket ago. Workers, how hard is it to complete an order? Oh yeah, after re-leaving it dawned on us we didn't have any ketchup or ranch.
#4. Don't Be A Pedantic AssholeLook, us customers know you guys probably hate your jobs. I've heard that after ten customers flow through the line, we all begin to look like cattle to you. Add this to a crappy, busy day...you may just get a bit cranky. Guess what? Get the hell over yourself.
When we come into a place to buy food, just as much as you don't care my day sucked I surely don't really care about yours. My day sucked too. Give us the required smile, ask for the order, do it correctly, don't make us beg for ketchup and napkins. Easy enough, ey?
But no, it just can't work like that. If one doesn't have to deal with Spanish McSpanishPantalones who doesn't speak English, forcing you to menu point, it seems it's either a disgruntled, gum-smacking Star'kweesha Jones or Johnny Twenty-something screwing up the ordering experience. Rarely is seen the worker who can just be courteous, prompt and accurate with the order.
Even with the customer being polite and asking for good service, it's probable that you bastards are giving us the Horatio Sansz in Road Trip treatment behind the scenes...
#5. Cleanliness is a good Thing
Bob Ross is truly a god among men. He liked to paint happy things. Happy mountains. Happy clouds. Happy trees. He probably did a bit more with trees than paint them in pictures, but that's beyond the scope of discussion today.
At the end of Bob's day, being a painter, he had excuse to have all sorts of dirty crap under his nails, on his clothes and atop his white-fro. That's cool and adds to his character.
What's not cool is going inside a fast-food place to see the guy frying up the food, who was just outside having a smoke in the piss filled alley, wiping his hands all over his grease-soaked uniform. What's so hard about washing the hands and keeping a uniform clean? I've seen mechanics who come out from under an old beat-up Al Bundy caliber Dodge cleaner than the good folks of McDs. With the power of Lava soap, even after using the toilet, their hands are 99.9% cleaner too.
Stop screwing your customers over by ignoring good hygiene. It makes us disgruntled and even make fine upstanding folks like Bob Ross turn crazy. Until next time...