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Posted by bulshoy Promoted 128 days 8 hours ago 5342 views
editorial
Politics / Law - Justice
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42 comments
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This is in response to the article posted by Dockwats. Here are some tips to ensure that your journey through the justice system is a short one.
Hey, we all run afoul of the law sometimes. There's no sense in having a miserable arrest experience when a couple of pointers can make things go more smoothly. So without further ado, here is a bit of advice for those times when arrest is imminent.
1. Relax!
Remember “innocent until proven guilty?” This is where that statement comes into play.
Unless you’ve been arrested for some capital crime (murder, etc), you should take a deep breath and relax. Being arrested is not the end of the world. In fact, if you haven’t been arrested before, this whole thing is only going to be a minor inconvenience. As long as you follow these pointers, there’s an excellent chance that you’ll be free again by the end of the day – tomorrow at the latest. It’s just a matter of time.
2. Act Innocent
The guide that Dockwats posted said to keep your mouth shut. That’s good advise, but consider how an innocent person would react when being arrested.
An innocent person does not know how the justice system works. An innocent person doesn’t know their rights. An innocent person would act a bit confused, but polite. This is what you should shoot for. Ask questions about the situation, such as why you’re being arrested and what to do next. As much as you hate cops, they are just people doing a job. Chances are they’ll appreciate your courtesy (they deal with assholes all day, every day). Acting confused but polite and asking the odd question should put them at ease, making the whole situation less stressful for both them and you.
3. Dodge Their Questions
Depending on the reason that you’ve been arrested, standard operating procedure is for the cops to get as much info out of you as possible. They want you to rat off both yourself and any accomplices.
Don’t fall for lines like “we already know everything – we just want to hear it from you” and the like. Just pick a story and stick with it. Instead of flat-out refusing to answer them, dodge the questions with phrases like “I don’t know” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
And for the love of God, DON’T rat people out. Often the cops will tell you that they’ll go easy on you or even outright let you go if you identify your accomplices / dealers / other troublemakers. They’ll claim that the info is between you and them, and that the guy you’re ratting out will never find out it was you. All of these statements are bullshit. Not only will you still be charged with whatever it is that you did, but they won’t treat your information as confidential. In fact, they’ll probably approach the person whom you ratted out and straight-up tell them who squealed.
4. Pretend You’re Dictating A Novel
Now is not the time to used the latest colourful street slang. Speak clearly and carefully. Be sure to bust out your best grammar and diction. Remember - criminals speak slang. Innocent people speak proper English
Keep in mind that every single word that you say and every action that you do is being written down. This information will be summarized and read during your court appearance as the “disclosure.” Keep that in mind before you open your mouth. You can use this information to “create” a disclosure that will make a favourable impression on the judge.
Let’s say you’re sitting in court and the judge hears “…and then he said ‘fuck you pig, I ain’t saying shit.’” This will not get you any sympathy when your court case is up. However, if the judge hears “…the suspect was calm and co-operative,” that’s good news for you. The police disclosure should be on your mind from the moment you see the cops approaching you until you are calmly seated in your holding cell.
5. Yes, You Want To Speak To A Lawyer
Both US and Canadian procedure require police to inform you that you have the right to legal counsel. Once you get to the police station, they will allow you to exercise this right. I recommend that you call a lawyer as soon as possible. Don’t save that phone call for your mommy or your spouse – that’s what lawyers are for.
Your lawyer is your liason to the outside world. During your holding period and your lengthy wait for bail court, you will have absolutely no contact with the outside world. Your lawyer is a powerful ally who can relay messages to your next of kin, advise you of your options, and most importantly, facilitate your release. While you’re sitting in your cell waiting for something to happen, your lawyer is preparing to get you bail. You can’t afford NOT to get a lawyer.
If you don’t have a lawyer, the police will give you contact information so that you can reach one. Our police station has a list tacked to the wall, but yours may let you use the Yellow Pages. Pick a lawyer, phone him up, and explain your situation. He’ll tell you to keep your mouth shut until you can speak with him in person. With any luck, you’ll get bail.
6. “Just Say No” To Interrogation
Once you’re downtown, the police may want to grill you a bit more. Often they’ll let you stew in the holding cell for a couple of hours before they talk to you. They do this because they know that the holding cell is borderline torture (no clocks, no outside contact), so they figure you’ll be more inclined to talk after you’ve had a taste of incarceration.
The first phrase out of your mouth upon entering an interrogation room should be either “I would first like to speak with legal counsel” or “my counsel advised me not to discuss the matter further.” That will end your interrogation immediately.
OK, we have to break from point form for a moment, since the ordeal could go in one of two directions.
The first scenario is the preferred one. You don’t have an existing record and this is your first arrest. The crime that you are charged with is minor (possession, petty theft, white collar). If the head cop on duty (called a “staff sergeant” in Canada) decides that you’re not a flight risk, he may simply release you “on your own recognizance.” Basically, he’ll tell you to report in on a certain date for fingerprinting etc (if that hasn’t been done) and make you sign a “promise to appear” sheet for court. You will be required to attend court on the indicated date. You are then released.
The second scenario is a little more grim. If you are deemed a flight risk (due to the seriousness of your crime, your demeanor during arrest, or your prior crimes) you will be remanded to custody until you have your bail hearing. In my city, this means waiting in the holding cell until 9:00 am, when you will be transferred to the cells under the courthouse to await your turn. Get comfy, because you’ll be waiting for a while.
If you followed my advice, and your crime is not serious, you’ll get bail. Your lawyer has been preparing for your hearing, and he will contact you before your turn is up. Just shuffle up to bail court, nod and say “yes your honour/worship” when addressed, and you’re 15 minutes of paperwork away from being released.
If you don’t make bail, well, you’re fucked. You will be sent to a remand center (usually an overcrowded prison with all sorts of nasty dudes waiting for court) where you will remain until your court case is heard. If you are typical of the average internet user (ie a bit geeky, not too tough) you are going to have the most miserable time of your life. Just shut the fuck up and try as hard as you can not to be annoying (don’t chew loudly, don’t make weird noises, and for the love of God, don’t whistle).
Alternate Ending
If your crime was serious, or if you have a lengthy record, you can bypass this whole editorial by running from the cops. It’s really not as stupid of a move as TV cop shows would have you believe.
Cops tend to be lazy. They don’t want to do anything that they don’t have to. If you run, they’re obligated to chase you. Unless you’re really fat or in poor health, you should be able to outrun a cop weighed down with gear. If you live in a big city, they might get the dogs / helicopters looking for you. The best thing to do is run until the cops are out of sight, then either hop on public transit or get in a vehicle. You want to put as much distance between yourself and the area the cops are searching as possible. Your window of opportunity is damned small in a big city, and you only have until the chopper or dogs show up to get away. Don’t make this choice lightly – if they catch you after a chase, they’ll be extra rough on you for making them run!
If you read all of the above, you should now be prepared for a run-in with the law. These tips should make your arrest experience slightly more pleasant. They will also help you to get a less severe punishment when your court case comes up.
Still, there’s no cure like prevention. If you want to avoid this shit altogether just don’t break the law (or don’t get busted). Simple as that.
Note: This editorial is Canada-centric, since I have never experienced American / UK justice. Some information may not be valid in your area. Please feel free to comment on your own experiences, so that tips can be provided for all jurisdictions!
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