Summer is upon us, it's time for big budget films with your favorite over paid actors!
Summer is coming up and that means all the dorks who don’t like to have fun and go to the beach to watch chicks play in water will be text messaging each other on what movie to waste their money on. I can see you Bill, there’s no hiding from my finger of judgement!
I will take time out of my day of roundhouse kicking injustice to give you what the Hollywood studios have to offer this summer. Considering what came out last summer, I hope this summer will be less of a…let’s see….what’s that word? Oh, failure!
Sex and the City: The MovieI never really watched this show because I really thought that The Golden Girls ended a long time ago. I’m not really sure what the plot is suppose to be. I think the 4 ladies go on a senior boat trip and hilarity ensues. I’m not going to bluntly say that this movie will be the worst movie to come on the screen since Son of the Mask, but I’m not going to not say it’s going to be the worst movie to come to the screen since Son of the Mask.
The Dark KnightBatman Begins bitch slapped all other superhero movies that came before it. It made the original Batman film look like what a vagina looks like after sex (think a roast beef sandwich dipped in custard). The Joker is what he’s suppose to be, a fucking lunatic that kills people with no remorse. They also got rid of Katie Holmes who was converted to some religion that seems to be all the hype in Hollywood. I forgot what it’s called, but I wanna join! There also seems to be a shit ton of villains in the movie. Scarecrow, Joker, and Two Face will make an appearance. I think this movie will be like Spiderman 3, except it will have a good script, good acting, sans fug Dunst, and no emo dance scenes.
Iron ManIron Man reminds me of myself a little bit. He’s a womanizing alcoholic who has a robotic suit in which he uses to fight crime. I don’t have a suit, and I’ll have an appletini every now and then, but the women part is totally true. The ladies can’t get enough. Anyways, this movie looks like it will kick ass. Downey Jr. is basically playing himself in this film (wink wink, nudge nudge ,drugs drugs). Jon Faverau directed Elf, and now he has to bring Iron Man to the screen. What a gamble!
X-Files 2The show ended with one of the biggest “What the Fuck” endings ever, and what do they do? They make a new movie where it throws up middle fingers to the mythology of the show. Apparently there’s some wolf man in the movie and that guy who played the Dad in Boondock Saints is in it also. I loved X-Files for the great plot and Scully because she was a hot ginger that had a gun. I will see this movie regardless because it will probably own and the fact that I’m a sci-fi douche.
Hellboy 2From what I’ve seen from the trailer, it looks like Guillermo del Toro will bring some of his bat shit crazy monster ideas in to this film. Pan’s Labyrinth was a sweet movie, and the original Hellboy was alright too. Pan’s was good because it featured some guy getting utterly owned in the face for no reason. Sometimes you just like seeing someone or something get owned. I’ll maybe see this movie when it comes on FX in a couple years, but I don’t really like Hellboy enough to see the movie.
The Incredible HulkEdward Norton plays Bruce Banner as the…ugh. Who cares? All that will happen is that he will turn in to the Hulk a few times after making cheesy comments about how no one will like him when he’s angry. Next.
HancockEditors note: Tee hee!
Will Smith returns as some kind of hip hop super hero who smells of bad cologne and can throw beached whales at boats. The plot is he’s a superhero everyone thinks is a dick and bangs the wife of the guy who is trying to help him. Oh boy, this one looks like a winner. You know it will do good because us white people love us some Will Smith! “Welcome tah earff!”
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal SkullThe last Indiana Jones movie was in 1989. Now, Indiana is 65 or something and still hasn’t retired from swinging from his whip at bad guys with terrible aim. Either way, Harrison Ford is a complete badass. That scar on his chin I heard was from deflecting an asteroid the size of Rhode Island. I don’t know what the movie is about other than there’s a Crystal Skull Kingdom and that kid from I,Robot also stars in it. I’ll see it in theatres because Indy is the cat’s pajamas. Also, look for cheesy quotes about how he is old and it will be tougher now.