Imagine if you will, that you are sitting at home getting down on some Halo3 noobery via Xbox Live on your brand new* XBOX 360 (*well not really brand new but you just got your refurbished unit back from Microsoft!). You’ve got your nice big TV, comfy recliner and your pregnant wife is slaving away in the kitchen preparing a feast of bacon, roast beef, and pork chops. You’ve only been dropped from this server six times so far, setting a new record across XBL. Now some prepubescent sounding, basement-dwelling, internet tough guy is complaining that you only killed him because his mom was vacuuming in front of the TV. You listen to him squealing in a voice that would give Kermit the Frog a hard on bigger than the fucking Space Needle. “Next time I’m in your base I’s gonna kill all ur d00dz!” No worries though valiant hero, onward to the blue base to wreak havoc on these noobasaurus rexes! You make your way through- oh wait what is this? Your seventeen month old daughter is trotting by you with a smile on her face. Giggly and gushy she parades in front of the TV (big no no), she trips and falls and-OH SHIT!! She just pulled all of the cords out from the wall and the TV in one fell swoop!! Does she not understand that you just waited three weeks for Microsoft to send you a refurb unit because you had been victimized by the red ring of death? Does your seventeen month old daughter not grasp the serious fucking business of Xbox Live? There is clearly only one solution here, discipline. Might I go ahead and suggest a good ol’ fashioned pummeling of fists? Five or so falcon punches to the cranium should teach your seventeen month old daughter a lesson. Excellent job! You’ve just been entered in Shoutwire’s 75th Annual: World’s Worst Parent Evar Contest!

Now before anyone gets all high and haughty over this subject we need to condemn this father for actually letting his kid run free around the house. We all can clearly see where allowing such behavior has gotten our above parent; a broken Xbox and a dead little girl. Now you’ve got two situations that require a clean up. Instead of just beating your kids there is a wonderful, new, and conventional method of keeping your children in line! Invented by Sonya and Joseph Smith in early 2003, this device really puts the “use” in “Abuse”! A three foot by two foot wooden box that can be closed and tied shut with extension cords* (*extension cords not included). It is the perfect new place to keep your kid while you watch those online church services from Remnant Fellowship Church. It’s the best self-discipline device since the conception of the iron maiden. This box can be especially useful if you have kids who are simply not “obedient” or who aren’t “praying enough”. Right now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a deal for you for a limited time only! If you call 1-800-EPIC-FAIL within in the next 30 seconds we are going to throw in the “butt-buster” for absolutely free. That’s right folks, as we all know the “butt-buster” is made from a piece of wood with coat hangers glued to the surface with a hot glue gun. Perfect for smacking an unappreciative little brat around and reminding them who slides those weekly food rations underneath the closet door. Call now! Be the first on your block to own one!

Now people of Shoutwire, I’m going to be as serious as I can on such ‘enlivening’ topics as infanticide or child murder. Both paragraphs above are entirely satirical in nature but are completely factual as well. A grown man did in fact murder his seventeen month old daughter for knocking his box down pulling the cords out from the wall and TV because she tripped over them. A couple actually placed their 8 year old son in a three foot by two foot wooden box for having mental health problems and not praying enough. The same couple designed a torture device and called it the “butt-buster”. A man actually placed his baby in a microwave. A woman threw her kids off a small freeway overpass and followed suite only to survive the fall. There are thousands of these stories a year. Actually there were fifteen hundred of them... Over three million cases of child abuse and fifteen hundred deaths reported in 2006 (74% of the children were under the age of four). The stories and their horror are plentiful and the list goes on. Well, not only does the list go on, it’s like the mother fucking energizer bunny! It just keeps going and going. However, unlike a reliable pair of Energizer double A batteries, we all want this stop.

The murder and abuse (sexual, physical, or mental) of children does not only occur in Texas by white christian extremist red necks. It does not only occur in poverty stricken ghettos by typical angry black guys. Abuse does not stop at the boundary of wealth and whiteness. Nor does it bend to the will of the upper class. It moves through suburbia just as fast as it moves through urban and rural areas. It crosses socioeconomic, race, and religious boundaries with ease, affecting a diverse amount of people. Yet always, always the abuse affects the children. It is sickening and maddening and I can only think of one way to stop it all. I call it: the “BREAST Examination”. In short it stands for: Breeding Requirements for Educated Adults Screening Test Examination. With these BREAST Exams we could nip this jumbo problem right in the areola. OK, enough of the boob puns. The BREAST Exams could be a simple and quick screening test taken by all couples who plan on breeding. I have created a a very rough mock-up of the first test right here:

In addition to a short overview of reading comprehension, mathematics, and history a three page essay entitled “Why I would be a good Mother/Father” would also be an integral part of the BREAST Exam. Having a basic understanding of values and morals is essential in raising children. This may come as a shock to some people, such as those who would perform sexual acts for money right in front of their children (I told you that list went on didn’t I?). To our society as it stands right now, the BREAST Exam could be the most prudential examination to our benefit since performing background checks on immigrants trying to gain access to our country.

Let’s think about it for a moment… If you want to do something as dangerous as drive a car you have to train for several months prior to you reaching a certain age. You must then obtain an official state license that is absolutely requisite for even getting behind the wheel of car by yourself. You want to sell real estate? That’s nice! However, you can not just pick up some signs out your neighbor’s yard plant ‘em front of a nice looking house and hope it sells within the year. NO! You have got take tests, proving your knowledge in the field so that you can be licensed by the state to sell real estate! Now any fuckwit with a pair of opposable thumbs and two stubs can grab some car keys and take off in mom’s minivan but we all know where the fun begins and ends in that scenario. The same goes for any immature or mentally unstable sorry excuse for a human, who is entirely unqualified to raise a family. She can get handed the cock and pump out four kids before she turns 25. While her equally as unfit co-conspirator against freedom ups and leaves her for a different whore. Such is the cycle of life… Not anymore its not! With BREAST Exams we could screen for exactly these type of people and see it to that they never harm the world with their demon spawn. If they ever truly want to have children they are going to have to work for it.