Yeah, girls bitch about today too. And I will personally visit and slap whoever makes the obvious "sucks for women" joke.
1. Lame Ass Poetry and Emo Boyfriend Voices Come Alive
It's a well known fact that 90% of men have what's called a 'boyfriend' voice. You've heard it before. When a guy is on the phone in the dorm room, laying back up on the bed and using soft, unnatural voice tones while talking on the phone to his girlfriend. "Yeah, babe. You are special to me too. Yeaah, hon." That's the boyfriend voice.
Somehow on Valentines's day this damned voice mutates into every action of the day. All of a sudden guys are speaking like damned Shakespeare, writing poetry, have perma-boyfriend voice and even switch hair to an effiminate emo hairstyle. There's nothing worse than your man turning into an obligatory Christian pop-rock singer for a day.
2. Winter is Fucking Cold
There is a saying called 'cold as tits'. And that's exactly why Saint Valentine decided to make his holiday in February. He knew that couples would have to have obligatory dinners at fancy restaurants and women would have to wear low-cut mini-dresses to prove they are as hot as all the other women at the restaurant.
What does that leave you in February? A room full of mini-dresses with cold nipples sticking up. Coats can only do so much when you're outside and wearing a dress. Valentine was a smart bastard, but cold boobs aren't fun.
3. Daddy's Little Girl
There are many types of women on Earth, but there are two distict groups. One is a group of girls who like sports, can be happy chilling back with a cold one and spending time with boyfriend and friends on Valentine's. Hint, that's the type of girl you want.
The problem is that not all women are cool and there are prissy brats who must have chocolate, perfume and all things pink on Valentines. These types of girls travel in packs and pop up faster than a brood of rats. They will call you; "Hey, you, it's me! What are your plans for today?!?!".
If your answer is anything other than Olive Garden, Outback (screw that ad by the way!) and getting pink box chocolates, this bitch will furiously spread the word that either 1) your man hates you or 2) you have no man and will relentlessly try to set you up. Daddy's Little Girl makes up the bulk of women.
4. Daddy's Little Girl 2
It doesn't stop there. Since every woman is now celebrating Valentine's Day (either because they want to or were bitched into celebrating by friends), afterwards there are mandatory meetings about how the day went.
You see, it works like this. For many shallow folks, Valentine's day isn't about celebrating or being all sacred to women. It's more the bragging rights these women get afterward. I've had my guy friends brag about such things as sports feats, amazing hookups and size of craps taken. To some women they get equal satisfaction in trying to 'one up' each other on who got the most stuff for Valentines.
Imagine Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan sitting in a philospher's circle, playing a vacuous, verbal game of 'swords' with what they got for the day. You are forced to sit there and can't just click them away. That's the day after Valentine's day in which many sensible women must sit.
5. Most Over-hyped and Exploited Day Ever
Back in high school and even middle school, we had these things called "Candy Grams". Many of you may have had something similar to it.
The way it worked is that for $1, you could send a small pre-written card (generic Happy Valentines To: From:), with a piece of candy attached, to a person on Valentine's. Of course those things sold like hot cakes because no one wanted be the odd one out of the loop.
So Valentine's day arrived and people on the Student Council would deliver these things to the classrooms. Everyone was sitting around waiting and sweating like contestants on Idol? Would they make the cut and get a sacred Candy Gram from someone, or would that bastard Simon have to mercilessly rip them for their lack of card receiving.
And to think, our education systems even help reinforce the overhyping and commericial exploitation of the day.
6. Day of Forced Gifts
If we ever get working DeLoreans and travel back in time, you can sure as hell bet you'll see some poor caveman forced into picking some giant ass flowers, buying Flintstone's chocolate and skinning a pink-fur sabre tooth tiger as to provide standard gifts for his women.
When you think about it, it's pretty dumb that on today men have to buy gifts for women. I say 'have' because if you go into any store, to buy something like say 'food' so you can eat for survival, around every turn and corner they have messages and displays posted. This is to remind guys they will be seen as assholes if they don't buy a card, candy and one other thing for their women.
Before you go shopping, for you last second guys out there who have to play into the system, think about this. How many boxes of chocolate, flowers or furry pink g-strings do you see laying around your woman's place on a day to day basis? Yeah. If your answer to that is "a bunch", see entry "3". You're dating a fatter Paris Hilton, without the money.
You see, everyone likes getting gifts. But with the way things are setup, the day isn't about love but rather about companies making money by pilfering off the giving of shallow gifts as an act of love. There is no reason a couple, who really like each other are in love need Russel Stover to define the closeness of their relationship. Actions over time speak more than worthless gifts.
7. Life Becomes Skinemax
After an hour into the evening's proceedings, if you didn't know any better you'd think life was nothing more than a cheap softcore porn movie. Theatre? There may be the obligatory girl trying to sneak her dude a Lewinsky in the back, or a guy trying to slip a hand. Dinner? Some couples eat more of each others faces than what's on the table. PDA is fine and all, but when you're eating stuff like chicken alfredo you don't want to see the girl at the next couple over with a moving arm under the booth.
8. Sex, Bars and Hookers
If you're a guy on Valentine's day and get too pissed about the hooplah, you have a very nice thing you can do. Go get shitty at a bar. Problem solved and you have fun.
A woman who wants to do that has no such option. Why? Being a woman in a bar on Valentine's day is like being a bowl of rice in rural Ethiopia. You're going to be swamped, probed and may or may not have complete strangers trying to see if you're edible.
If you do go out, say with a friend, boyfriend or person you were introduced to, there is some sort of byline that must have been written into the day's proceedings that make some people thing sex at the end of the night is a guarantee. On no other day of the year does a fluffy teddy bear and cold-nipple dinner equal auto-sex. This day is no different, yet, somehow, people honestly believe sex will be magically delivered like quarters from the Tooth Fairy. That's always disappointing.
9. Crappy Valentine's Day Mix Tapes and Music
I'm convinced that every radio station has a tape called "Crappy Valentine's Mix". It never fails. Every year from a mystical endless vault appear countless sappy songs. What makes it worse is when one of these makes it's way to a 'CD mix' that your boyfriend/girlfriend may be burning as we speak. Here's an example:
10. Custom Site Logos
There is just no escaping Valentine's day. YouTube is even in on the customized site titles and I dare not check Google. If ShoutWire ever does such things, we'll be forced to band together and declare war.
Pixy