We have no choice but to immediately gift war and freedom to Iran, today.
"My Fellow Freedom Lovin' Americans,
As you sit in your home now, lookin' on the lookin' screen of your computer where there are "electronic" letters, you see the words of my speech. It's
neat. My old tech buddy Senator Stevens tells me when I type these words to inform you, they multiply and go through the tubes to y'all's houses. You wouldn't understand the science behind it, because it is a miracle from God.
And this miraculous information is moving -- you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets. It's all powered by divine freedom and miracles.
And that's where we all sit now, together, fellow readers. Reading words of freedom and miracles, comfortable in our good homes and offices. Sadly, there is an evil who wants to destroy all our miracles. It wants to destroy all our freedoms.
As you know, there is a dark place -Iran- it strives to destroy Earth with nu-cu-lar weapons. Iran is a city..err, country place, in a land far, far away filled with sand. The great American film maker George Lucas shows this land in Star Wars, where Tusken Raiders steal all the good from young Anakin's heart.
Iran President Ahmadineaha jaa daa? with WMD in handIt is not a good place. It has evils like horses with two humps and worshipping false idols. Now it seems this land of Tusken Raiders wants nothing more than to steal your joy and happiness. It wants to steal your miracle of the internet.
As you have surely seen today,
Iran attacked innocent American fishing boats mindin' their business. This can only be taken as an act of war. One day it is attacking innocent fisherman, providing fish for the masses just like Jesus in the Bible, then the next thing you know they are raining nukes on our schools and children.
No good person wants children to be nuked. Ya' know, raining rockets and death on childrens is terrible. You agree with that because you are good. That's why we have to bring freedom to Iran.
Now I understand some of you will say you can't win this thing militarily. That's exactly what the United States military says, that you can't win this military. That's where my deciding and strategery comes into play.
Planting Freedom in IranIran is evil because it doesn't have any signs miracles or freedoms. Since their land can't naturally grow it, we must plant it there. As we speak, my friends at corporations are planning plant-freedom days for Iran. As you see from our good friends McDonald's, a group of soldiers practice planting a freedom flower.
These signs of peace will make Iran brighter and happier, like a lush garden. It will be watered with the live-giving waters of oils we'll drink with them. This is the birth of another garden of freedom. That's why we must rain war upon the head of Iraq. So that freedom can grow.
At this point I should say this notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table.
So my friends, my Americans. We go forward, together, into this brave new war. All those who love children living nuke free, standing together. Happy. Strong. Powered my miracles and freedom.
Your Decider-in-Chief,
George Dubya Bush
PS Tom Brady is a woman."
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