Cop Beats up BartenderHis job was to uphold the law, and the law said he needed another god damn beer! Too bad for him the law also says you can’t go around beating up women when you’re drunk. Especially when the video of it has an orgy with the YouTube crowd before the hangover even begins…
2Girls1CupBy now we have all seen this. It starts out innocently enough only to end in a rage of mentally destructive feces images. If there was ever a moment in 2007 when the entire internet let out a collective “wtf” it was the very end of this video. I am posting the link here but it is not work safe and if you click it you are one sick dirty fuck. You have been warned. Now don’t be a pussy and watch the video…
View the video…
Hillary Clinton Used to be Hot!? She wasn’t Scarlett Johansen hot, but she was fairly attractive in her day. It is almost hard to believe that innocent young girl would grow to be the meanest fire-breathing dragon in the entire universe…
Man Dies, Crowd Steals His GroceriesWhat a great society we live in when headlines like this even exist. “Oh look, there is an old man at the bus stop. Oh no, he just got hit by a truck! Should we call the ambulance? Maybe we can save his life? Wait a minute! Is that Jiffy Pop?” Just to add icing to the cake, the only man who tried to help him was robbed as well.
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Rare Disease Turns Man Into TreeYou are like me no doubt and when you first seen this story were sure you were being fed a steam shovel load of the contents of the infamous cup. As crazy as it sounds, however, it is true. This dude actually began to turn into a creature resembling a tree. Doctors think they can cure him, but I say we plant him somewhere and see just how far this crazy genetic train ride he is on will take him…
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Toddler Born With 8 LimbsI like to refer to this one as “Doctor Octopus Returns”. There is, however, a bright side to this mess. With all those arms and legs, and the proper training, this kid could become a ninja of epic proportions. I'll let the picture speak for itself...
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Cheating Wife Caught By WiiImagine coming home from war and trying to have a relaxing day at home playing the latest Nintendo crap in the shape of a console, when out of nowhere you discover evidence that your wife was jogging with some other dude’s Johnson while you were halfway across the world protecting GWB’s oil supply. Not only that, but she was using your Nintendo to do it! Messing with a man’s wife is one thing, but utilizing his gaming console to do it is just dirty pool.
Source
Pastor Has Sex With DaughtersHis defense was that he was only following The Bibles teachings and showing his daughters how to please their future husbands. “Ah lurned this from mah pa! Praise Jesus!” I know, I shouldn’t be making fun of such a terrible tragedy, but things like this generally happen when people are encouraged to follow such an old and arcane text without using the common sense to realize that scrogging your daughter in the shearer’s shed is just not cool.
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Police Taser Granny to DeathThe chair bound woman in her late fifties who needed a tank of oxygen to breathe held police at a “standoff” for 13 minutes. Apparently the officers must have thought she was some kind of super secret kung fu ninja warrior and instead of simply disarming her they decided to hit her with a taser 10 times in 3 minutes. Maybe they truly felt threatened… or maybe they were just sick of old people. Who knows? End result; WTF?
Full story of super secret kung fu ninja warrior grandma…
Man Changes Name to Optimus
Prime“Optimus Prime is heading out to the Middle East with his guard unit on Wednesday…” It is hard to read line that as serious news without getting some kind of crazy 80’s cartoon imagery of large robots blasting lasers as they drop from the sky and transform into motorbikes with prepubescent assholes riding them and shouting orders at the top of their lungs popping into your head. Strangely though, I think the idea of changing ones name to Optimus Prime was probably the greatest thing man has accomplished all year...
He looks nothing like an Optimus…
Math Prodigy Says University Too EasyThis 9 year old Chinese kid somehow knows more than the majority of the rest of the world combined. “It was too easy.” He says of his first day of university classes, no doubt smug in the fact that he probably has some sort of cybernetic commie implant chip feeding him answers. He may also be a Martian, but getting any evidence on the tike will be impossible because he is Asian and most likely a kung fu master…
Full story from Reuters…
Iran Disses Leonidas“Following the Islamic Revolution in Iran, Hollywood and cultural authorities in the U.S. initiated studies to figure out how to attack Iranian culture, certainly, the recent movie is a product of such studies.” That was one of the advisors of Xerxes… I mean of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, quoted directly before he was kicked into a bottomless abyss by the mad skills of Frank Miller who can’t even pronounce that dude’s name let alone bring himself to give two shits the madness he is talking.
This is Sparta!
Czech Crash Victim Wakes up Speaking Perfect EnglishThis story proves all it takes is a good knock in the head to get people to speak perfect English. The next time you run into someone who is struggling with the language, give them a right good rap on the noggin. That should help them out. This technique should prove useful at fast food restaurants and better lawn care facilities all over the nation.
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Kid Gets Tasered For Questioning KerryAmerica: the land of free speech and dumb ass security guards. Why are fat women and old men always security guards? Back on the point, what kind of a coward (or evil dictator) is John Kerry for not stepping in and saying “Hey, don’t taser that guy!” Way to stand up for American ideals, you old bland bastard…
Lesbians Hit up Sperm Donor For Child Support“I was just helping out a couple of friends…” Yes, that’s how it starts. Innocently enough you toss yourself head on into a situation that very might well end with you staring blankly at the oncoming lights of female tomfoolery! That is a locomotive no man stands a chance against. Check out the story of this poor firefighter and never trust a lesbian with the safekeeping of your sperm…
Poor Andy, screwed…