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Posted by Xxoozero Promoted 262 days 14 hours ago 11302 views
editorial
Entertainment / Humor
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42 comments
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Send me all of your food or I will slice this god damn puppy in half!
1. Vaginal bleeding
Like the kind of bleeding I suffered when I seen ShoutWire’s new layout. I’m sure I’m not the only one who had to go out and buy some tampons after waking up and logging on this morning. What the hell does “Politics be on-line” mean? I smell a people’s elbow in the works…
Cause: Changing the god damn layout!
Effect: My Cheerios were pissed in…
What to do? Bitch whine moan and complain, as is tradition here on SW. It’s not going to change though…
2. 2girls1cup
Yeah, I watched it. I even knew what I was in for. “Fuck it!” I thought, “I must! Everyone else has. I will not be left out of the loop!” The next fifteen seconds of my life were horrible. May our children forgive us…
Cause: Clicking randomly on social websites.
Effect: Lasting blindness. May cause vomiting. Do not view if you are planning on operating vehicles…
What to do? Masturbate. Hell, why not go full on pervert? You already made the trip halfway…
3. Chlamydia
A friend once described his experiences with the big “C” to me: “I was on the toilet crying and screaming at my mom. Milky white shit was coming out of my dick and my ass… it burned!” If ever a case was made for the proper usage of condoms, that was it…
Cause: Scrogging whores.
Effect: Milky white shit will come out of your dick and your ass and it will burn.
What to do? Pony up $30 and hit the health clinic, where a large unfeeling woman will shove a q-tip up the head of your dick. Tell your friends, take pictures…
4. Persian arrows
Nothing will ruin your day like a million arrows blotting out the sun heading in your direction. “But zero, won’t we fight in the shade?” Only if Frank Miller punches me in the face and steals this top nine list. In my version we all just die horribly…
Cause: The god damn Persians.
Effect: They either bounce off your shields or kill your whole army, depending on the time of day.
What to do? Masturbate quickly, because the end is coming…
5. You have a pornographic dream about Hillary Clinton
This has happened to most of us at least once in the past few years. It’s not because you are smitten with the old bag, but a more likely cause is that you just want to scrog a woman with power. Plus, she has a vagina, and these days that is nine out of ten on most guys lists of requirements in a woman…
Cause: Deep down we're all sick bastards...
Effect: A very shameful stain in your boxers.
What to do? Immediately masturbate to a picture of Scarlett Johansen.
6. You eat a microwave burrito without hot sauce
This just plain sucks. Not only is the damn thing flavorless but it’s all dry and soggy at the same time. “How can that be?” It is a weird science we are dealing with here, that of microwave burritos. No wonder those fucking things are three for a dollar…
Cause: Cheapness in not buying decent burritos,
Effect: A bad burrito eating experience.
What to do? Beat yourself up over it until you learn that some shit just can’t be skimped on.
7. You catch a homeless man masturbating in the bathroom stall at McDonalds
If this has never happened to you, now that you have read this you are cursed to see it within the next six months. I am herby invoking internet voodoo on the entire lot of you! Also, if you do not send this to six of your friends within the next 24 hours you will get genital herpes and die a sad and lonely bastard.
Cause: No public masturbation booths.
Effect: An image of a dirty, smelly, hairy old man that will be burned into your mind for all eternity…
What to do? Stab your eyes out with a pen.
8. Someone steals your stash
When this happens your life seems to suck more than anything has ever sucked before. You feel wronged… yet you can’t call the authorities. You can always go bash some skulls, that’s what Johnny Cash would do, but that won’t get your chronic back. Or maybe it will… still ruins your momentary stoner plans.
Cause: You’re a dumb ass and left your weed out.
Effect: Some stoners have been known to revert to the fetal position during such times and become nearly catatonic.
What to do? Scrape some resin…
9. You wake up and your penis is gone
While rare, this phenomenon has been known to occur sporadically throughout the southern hemisphere and china. The reason you haven’t heard of it is because no one cares about the southern hemisphere or china. If it weren’t for Australia and girls from Brazil, we wouldn’t even know anything was down there.
Cause: Penis stealing elves, some say…
Effect: You are rendered penisless!
What to do? Protect your Johnson and never let it out of your sight.
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