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Posted by HockeyGod Promoted 298 days 18 hours ago 3173 views
editorial
Lifestyle / General Lifestyle
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An analysis of the age of MySpace users shows that they live longer than other internet users. Here comes the science?
The following is a satire that my good friend Xichekolas and I wrote a while ago, and I felt like sharing.
Can using MySpace have long term health effects? A recent study by NoosCorp of Texas has shown that seniors who actively engage in social networking sites like MySpace, FaceBook, and Friendster tend to live longer, fuller, healthier lives. The survey took into account the listed ages of active MySpace users along with age breakdown from the 2004 census as well as various other factors. The results are quite shocking:
According to the numbers, over 90% of Americans over the age of 90 actively use MySpace. The site also seems immensely popular with Americans in their late 60’s. Roughly 300,000 Americans were born in 1937, and according to the study over 98% of living 69 year-olds actively maintain MySpace accounts.
Today’s seniors are using social networking sites to stay in touch with their friends, read up on new bands, and post photos of themselves hitting the bong in their underwear.
“Looking at the photos, you’d never know these ladies were in their nineties.. I’d give anything to look that good when I’m that age,” said Doris Shelton, a 34 year old mother of 2 whose daughters frequently use the site MySpace.com. “Seniors are surprisingly hip,” she said. “I never knew my daughter was so active in helping the elderly. Nearly half of her friends are in their late 60’s or older. In fact just yesterday she was talking with a 69 year old man from our town.” notes Mrs Shelton.
“It used to be that once a spouse died, a widowed senior would spend their days moping around depressed,” said James Blutner - a clinical psychologist and avid MySpace user. “What’s happening now,” he says, “is that these once depressed seniors are turning to social networking sites as a way to meet new people. It’s a fun, healthy alternative to bingo night. I just wish they’d stop posting those pictures of themselves in their underwear - although most of them still look good for 90!”
When asked why he thought social networking through sites like MySpace would have a positive health effect, Mr. Blutner replied, “It could be many things. It could be the positive emotional effect of connecting to other people their own age, or simply the healthy side effect of so much sex. Everyone knows that the 69 year-olds are a pretty randy bunch… if you know what I mean.”
Blutner - who is also studying the link between online poker and terrorism - continued: “It’s really nice to have a site like MySpace that contains such a representative sample of modern elderly Internet users. The amount of truthful data we have access to about someone's personal life is really hard to get by any other means. People tend to exaggerate or outright lie on our psychological surveys. These social sites are a blessing in disguise with their accurate demographics. It’s like Psychology 2.0!”
